Ectopia, p.16
Ectopia, page 16
- You heard him, Soo says. He’s upset – He said to hit him as hard as I could.
They all talk, like they’re arguing, then they all go quiet at once.
- What’s that? Runt asks.
It seems I’ve been speaking. I’m trying for words but I don’t know what’s coming out my mouth. Maybe just blood and saliva.
- Don’t believe a word, is what I’m telling em – All words are lies.
If those are my dying words then that’s OK. I’ll never think of better ones.
You learn things from living longer. Here’s something new I’ve learned. When you deliver a death-defying blow to someone’s guts, you don’t make em better by draping em over your shoulder and trying to jog along an asphalt road.
I’m a runner who can’t even walk. Can’t even stand. Can’t even sit up. Soo kneels down and the others lift me into place. My head’s cushioned against Soo’s chest and my feet bounce against his back. Fat and muscle pad his shoulders but it makes no difference. Soo takes five steps, the movement jars up from the road and through his shoulder, thumps into my stomach, and I pass out.
I don’t get heaven. Life ends, that’s heaven enough. Another acceptable version of heaven is this. It’s not a spectacular version, but it’s an improvement on how life is. You wake up, day’s come, and a nightmare’s over. Heaven is waking up and leaving a nightmare behind. You look around and things are restored to how they used to be.
I wake up and think that I’m Steven. That’s not the heaven part, that’s just a mistake. Before I get it right though I look around and think I recognize Steven’s garden. Years ago you could walk in that garden without treading grass to dust. Even as baked dirt it wasn’t so bad. No weeds came up. You could rake the ground and have it all look neat and hopeful, as though seeds could spring life any moment.
This garden’s got that baked earth look. It’s the way Steven’s garden looked before his Dad tore it apart. It’s how a garden of just the same size and shape would look without trenches and traps and pits and platforms and barbed wire. This garden’s not a crazed assault course. It’s dead and quiet, the way nature means it to be. It’s a peaceful place to lie.
I let my vision blur then close my eyes.
- You OK Bender?
It’s Malik. I open my eyes to match the face to his voice. His head’s close. His brown eyes stare into mine.
- What you do that for, Bender? Why did you make Soo hit you?
I work to bring Malik into focus. The results are mixed. I get to see him more clearly and maybe smile a moment. Pain then shoots up along that extra spurt of consciousness and smashes the smile from my face. It’s like a fire that starts in some black cauldron around my balls then flames up through my guts and my chest and my throat. I guess I howled.
- What’s that? What have you got down there? What are you doing to him?
For a moment I think it’s Dad. I’m still thinking like Steven, like I had a Dad. I don’t believe in hell. Who needs hell when you’ve already got life? Invent hell though and this makes a neat package, fire on the inside and the voice of Steven’s Dad burning its way in from the outside world.
- Is that Steven? When did he get back? He’s been in that house all along, is that it? Now you’ve brought him outdoors to bugger him in the open air. Have your way with him in front of his own Dad’s eyes. It’s sick. You make me sick.
I turn my head toward the sound of Steven’s Dad’s throat as it vomits words from his system. My head is angled toward the sky. Steven’s Dad appears in view, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He looks down from his platform. Looks down across the wall between his own garden and where I lie. I’m next door, not in Steven’s garden. The madhouse of his Dad’s traps and trenches still exists.
- You disgust me, Steven, he says.
Sunlight catches spittle from his mouth and makes it sparkle in the air as it rains down.
– Get up. Get some clothes on. Get back inside the house. I’ll have to lock you up with Karen. Keep armed guard over the pair of you.
Here’s another thing I’ve learned from living longer. Parents force kids into total shutdown. I feel it coming on. It’s like a whistle that gets so high it’s ultrasonic, the pressure builds up and gets tighter and tighter then in a flash it’s gone. Your body’s left for your parents to scream at but you’re not there, you’re long gone. I’ve been in and out of consciousness so much it’s getting easy. Here I go. Pain easing, dream of whiteness spreading wide.
Then Bender kicks in - That fuckhead’s no Dad of yours, he reminds me - You’re me now. You’re Bender.
Ex-Dad’s talking again. His voice comes down from the platform. Now I get the difference. In Steven that voice triggered a slug of resignation. It jolts Bender with anger. My eyes open. I’m alert. The fire’s in my body and my throat’s burned out. The pain’s reduced to a slab that thumps around my heart. Life’s come back as a heartache. I guess I’m not due to die after all.
- V78we9t7, I say.
- Shhh, Malik says – You’re not making sense. Cool down. Stay easy.
Seems I must regroup my senses if I’m going to get to tell more lies.
- This is how we found him, Malik says. He’s talking louder, speaking to the man above the fence.
- Naked?
- With his shorts on. Like he is now. The rest of his things were in this funny black sack. We split up and took separate roads north, looking for him. Soo’s group found him, by the side of the road. He’s been attacked.
- He’s sick?
- He took a blow to the stomach, we think.
- That what he says? Get up, Steven. Get up at once. Don’t be such a wuzz. A punch in the stomach never killed anyone.
- Houdini, Furbo says – Harry Houdini, the escapologist. He died of a punch to the stomach. I read about it. He was showing off. Asked his assistant to punch him but the blow came before he was ready, before he had tensed his muscles. It ruptured his insides. He died soon after.
- I’ll give him something to die for if he doesn’t get up this minute. Come on Steven. On your feet.
- He needs medical attention, Malik says.
- Then we’ll call Statesquad. They can take him in and examine in. Find out just what you’ve done.
- He’s just been released from Cromozone, Malik reminds him – You know that. Paul found that out. Whatever’s happened to him happened there. They dumped him on the side of the road. We can’t send him back into that.
- So what do you suggest? You want me to leave him in your capable hands?
- He needs proper help. Someone who’s trained. Maybe his sister. She’s had medical training, hasn’t she?
The sky roars. It’s ex-Dad laughing. I look up inside the grey chasm of his open laugh and can smell its gusts from memory. From Steven’s memory. His laugh spends itself out.
- You think I’m falling for that? You think I’ll let you use my own son as bait to trap my daughter?
- He’s sick, Malik tries – He needs your help.
- The whole world’s sick and he’s one of the sickest things in it. I might chain him up but I can’t help him. He’s beyond that.
- Give him his qual, Runt suggests. They’ve closed in around me now, leaving ex-Dad to peer from his watchtower – I found this batch in that new bag of his.
- Ring of Power, Furbo shouts. He takes the bag from Runt and counts em out – There’s enough and then some. One each.
- With that freak watching? someone asks.
- He’s a drek, Malik answers – He doesn’t exist.
- You talking about me? ex-Dad shouts down – No drug-soaked skink gets to talk about me like that.
Ex-Dad’s an empty scream. Chuck words at him and you fill him up so he can scream on. Ignore him and he soon dries up. Teensquad have all had Dads one time or another. They know that much.
- Let’s do it, Malik says.
He goes to my left, Dome to my right. They ease my body into position and stretch up my arms.
- You’ll be alright, Malik says. His voice is the first good thing my body’s felt since coming back as Bender. It starts from where his lips touch my ear, collects inside my head and pulses down my spine – I’m with you, Bender. We’re with you. We’ll give you everything we have. We’ll hold on, Bender. We’ll hold on.
My lips are open. He reaches between em to pull my lips apart and settles a capsule on my tongue. It slides down to my throat and I swallow.
- Soo’s holding the center, Malik tells me – He’ll watch out for your Dad.
Everyone swallows and lies down. The fingers of Dome’s left hand intertwine with my right, the fingers of Malik’s right hand intertwine with my left. We are gathered in a ring with Soo as its center, our arms angled high to form the pattern of a star. I feel the power on the instant of connection. It’s like blood is pumped through all of us by one giant heart, the current charging from left to right. It’s electric.
Game’s on. The trick is to hum when the qual kicks in. As each one starts the ride they hum till we’re one voice humming, carving out time and space.
It’s there. I can do it. I’m first. I find voice enough. I hum.
Hum.
Like you hum when waiting for something to happen.
I hum louder. No-one joins in. Dome relaxes his hold on my hand. The ring’s breaking apart.
- Duds, a voice says from the far side of the ring – There’s nothing in em. What’s Bender humming for? They’ve been feeding him blanks.
I felt something. I still feel it.
Malik lets go of my hand. The feeling stops.
- Nobody move.
The shout comes from the watchtower. We look up and see ex-Dad. He’s holding a crossbow in front of him. He’s been trading this stuff since I was a kid, keeps a pile of such crap in the cellar. He’s grinning like this is his big day. Like life’s been worth screwing with all these years just to make this kind of sense.
- The first one to touch her gets an arrow.
It’s his version of romantic. Ex-Dad’s playing Cupid. The gate to the garden where I’m lying opens and a figure walks through it. I turn my head to one side and I can see it. It’s dressed in yellow plastic. A plastic hood, plastic cape, and thick plastic pants that buckle round its ankles, an outfit left over from times when it rained. It crackles as it moves.
- Karen, Furbo says. He recognizes her fast. She’s been playing on his mind.
- Nobody move. Nobody touch her. Just stand clear of Steven and let his sister examine him.
Karen crackles louder as she kneels close. Her face is white. Her right cheekbone’s bruised.
- What’s up? I ask. A sound comes out of my mouth but not the sense. Karen’s face turns extra worried and she looks across at Malik.
- He got hit in the belly, Malik explains – a real hard blow.
- No talking, ex-Dad shouts down.
Karen pulls some rubber tubing out of her pocket. She fixes two ends of it to her ears and presses a suction cup at its other end to my chest.
- Can you talk? she asks.
- No talking!
- Look lay off, Dad. I’m draped in your dirty plastic in hot sunshine. No-one’s getting a look at me, no-one’s chatting me up. You’ve got the whole place covered with that fucking crossbow.
- You mind your language my girl.
- I’ve got to talk to Steven. Find out what’s wrong. Just let me get on with it and get out of here, OK?
She waits. Ex-Dad doesn’t answer back. Karen bows her head so the hood hides her face from him. She speaks soft.
- He’s flipped, Steven. He’s lost it. What did you come back for? I’ve just been waiting. Waiting for my chance. I was going to follow you.
I stare up at her.
Her face. Malik’s face. Those two faces staring down at me. That’s what I’ve come back for.
- Well Miss Doctor, you got a cure? ex-Dad shouts down.
- I’m working on it.
- I know what you’re doing, my girl. You’re waving your ass around in the air. Now you get your ass into gear and bring it back round this side of the fence. I’ve had enough of this game. You … and you.
He waves his crossbow to make his choice. Dome and Soo.
- Pick Steven up and bring him round to my gate. Leave him outside and come back here where I can see you. I’ll drag him inside and Karen can help me carry him from there. You’re not setting foot inside this garden, not one of you, not one step, not till I’m ready for you. You understand? I know your game. You want to carry Steven up to his room. You’ll case the house on the way, and work out its layout. That was your plan. Well it’s not working. If we’ve got to have Steven back then we’ll drag him back ourselves. That’s an end of it. Go on. Pick him up.
Dome grabs under my arms, Soo around my thighs, but I still sag in the middle. It creases my stomach so that I shout out.
- He needs a stretcher, Soo yells.
- You’ll all need a stretcher if you don’t get on with it. Hurry up. Bring him round.
- Don’t worry, I hear Malik say as I pass him – We’ll get you out.
I’m glad he says it. Some lies are alright.
I stand up. Ex-Dad’s carrying me nowhere. I’ve got to practice walking for when I run from here.
- Thought so, ex-Dad says when he opens the gate – You were fine all along. It was a plot.
Karen’s got my clothes and my bag. I walk barefoot along the path and in through the front door, then hold on to the railing at the bottom of the stairs before starting to climb. Paul’s in the front room. I see him through the angle of its open door. He doesn’t look round. He’s plugged into his terminal.
- I’m going to bed, I tell Karen.
Dad’s stayed out in the garden. He’s the dog. Karen’s followed me in. She’s peeling off her plastic rainsuit and chucking it back down the cellar steps. She’s in tight silver shorts and a lilac sleeveless top pouches her breasts. She shakes her head to loosen its ginger curls.
- You look good, I tell her. My voice is pinched but it’s working.
- You look crap. What bed are you going to use? Dad chopped up Mom’s bed for the wood and dragged its mattress down to his cellar. He’s been sleeping in yours. He tried to get in to mine. He said times are hard and we’ve got to stick together. I turned to the wall and he held my back, pressing his dick against my bum. I kicked him out. He came back and gave me this.
She points to the bruise on her cheek.
- He got worse, Steven. I gave it him worse. He crawled away but he won’t crawl again if he ever comes back. I’ll kill him. I should kill him now. Kill him in any case. You’re not strong enough to be back, Steven. He’ll have you.
- Steven’s gone. I’m Bender now.
I walk the stairs to Steven’s room. It takes a while, one step at a time, some resting and some gasping. My face is wet but I’m not crying. My eyes are sweating.
The sheets are grey and marked with ex-Dad’s imprint. I pull em off, drop em to the floor, and lie on the mattress. Karen comes and stands by the bed.
- You going to be alright?
- You’re the medical student.
- I cut babies out of stomach’s. That’s it.
- You can stop that now.
- It’s what I do. I’m getting good. An operation’s on hold in my room. I’ve delivered the baby. A girl. Now I’m saving the parent. I’d better get back. You see Mom?
- Don’t ask. You don’t want to know.
- She alright? She like her things? Did you give her my dove?
Funny how you don’t think about it. The world wants a lie and you give it to em.
- She was touched, I say - She laughed and cried. She says thank you. She says to give you a kiss. Could you bend down?
Karen bends, she puckers her lips, and I kiss her on the mouth.
- I knew she’d be pleased, Karen says – Little things still matter.
The kiss and the lie have made her life right for a while.
- You’d better get some rest, she tells me.
She smiles and goes back to her room.
I doze. I don’t know what was in those capsules. Hormones. DMT. Whatever. Something’s taking effect. Something’s going on in my stomach but it’s not all bad. It’s like my guts are knitting themselves together. Beyond that, all around that, something else holds me. I guess it’s chemical, a gift whisked up by my brain, but it feels like a hammock of skin which rocks me. Or maybe a boat. A round boat of skin stretched round a structure of thin white bone and bobbing on a sea of tar.
Something yelps. I listen but nothing follows. Maybe the yelp was me, a stab of pain inside a dream. I drift off again.
- Can you move?
Karen’s got hold of my shoulder.
- Can you make it across to my room? I can help. Hold on to me. I want you to see this. You’ve got to see this. It’s so weird I nearly screamed but cut it off. You don’t scream in this house. Screams bring Dad running.
She’s been finishing off her operation.
- I did it. I told you I’m getting good. I’ve kept em both alive. Baby and parent. I’ve left the placenta inside and stitched up the wound. I’ve even taken a sponge and washed up a bit. The program’s kept running. I took the time to have a look around. Checked out the operating theatre. Checked out the patient. Look, Steven. You’ve got to look.
She fits the anthead visor over her head to adjust the image, then lifts it off and puts it on me.
- Surprise number one. Check out the sex of the mother.
The stomach’s still swollen. That surprises me. I thought it would just shrink back to normal with the baby cut away from it. The wound’s raw, the stitches purple. I look to the right. This new mother’s got a penis. Can’t say I’m surprised. It looks tiny in its cloud of ginger hairs, the way a dick shrivels after swimming.
