Cut paste kill, p.1
Cut, Paste, Kill, page 1
CUT, PASTE, KILL
A Lomax and Biggs Mystery
MARSHALL KARP
Copyright © 2010 by Mesa Films, Inc.
All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.
ISBN: 9781736379288
Jacket design by Dennis Woloch
Book design by Kathleen Otis
Author photo by Fran Gormley
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
For information, email contact@karpkills.com.
PRAISE FOR THE #1 BESTSELLING NYPD RED SERIES COAUTHORED BY MARSHALL KARP AND JAMES PATTERSON
“NYPD Red 2, like its forebear, stands out due to Karp’s unmistakable style. Karp, already one of my favorite authors because of his wonderful Lomax and Biggs mysteries, gets a chance in the mega-selling spotlight with this terrific series, and he soars with the opportunity.” —SCOTT COFFMAN, LOUISVILLE COURIER-JOURNAL
“In the case of NYPD Red, there is simply too much fun—in the form of inventive murder, sex, chemistry, investigation, more murder, more sex, and the like. Though the book is complete in itself, there are plenty of interesting characters who could carry this as a series for as long as Patterson and Karp will want it to go.” —BOOKREPORTER.COM
“Patterson and Karp spare no plot twist in this page- turning thriller...Love triangles, mafia ties, and political entanglements abound, layering this character-driven mystery in such a way that no dull moment ever arises.” —HAMPTON SHEET MAGAZINE on NYPD RED 2
“Patterson and Karp once again prove that this is one crime series that’s not to be missed—the literary equivalent of your favorite summer blockbuster movie.” —NIGHTSANDWEEKENDS.COM ON NYPD RED 2
PRAISE FOR MARSHALL KARP’S SNOWSTORM IN AUGUST
“Talk about your killer snowstorm. Don’t flake out, but Marshall Karp has written one stone-cold mystery!” —AL ROKER
“[An] adrenaline-fueled thriller from bestseller Karp.” —PUBLISHERS WEEKLY
“A compelling plot, with characters you immediately become invested in. Marshall Karp writes with the kind of attention to the details of law enforcement that distinguishes a great book from a good one—a rare find.” —MAUREEN MULCAHY, LIEUTENANT SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT, OFFICE OF THE CHIEF OF CRIME CONTROL STRATEGIES NYPD (RET.)
“Snowstorm in August couples the charm of an unflinching true-crime narrative with an ambitious new vision of America’s war on drugs unlike anything you’ve read or watched before. I simply can’t wait to read more stories with the extraordinary characters Karp has debuted in this extremely enthralling and suspenseful smash-hit!” —KASHIF HUSSAIN, BEST THRILLER BOOKS
PRAISE FOR MARSHALL KARP’S LOMAX AND BIGGS MYSTERIES
“The comedy never overshadows this smart, many-layered thriller...Lomax, Biggs, and the FBI have their work cut out for them in a clever plot that will keep readers guessing to the very end. Enthusiastic readers will anxiously await the return of detectives Lomax and Biggs.” —PUBLISHERS WEEKLY (STARRED REVIEW) on THE RABBIT FACTORY
“Karp offers multiple twists that will keep most readers guessing until the end, and balances the grim plot with Biggs’s inexhaustible supply of genuinely humorous one-liners. Kinky Friedman and Carl Hiaasen fans should latch onto this series.” —PUBLISHERS WEEKLY (STARRED REVIEW) on CUT, PASTE, KILL
“Totally original, a sheer roller coaster ride, packed with waves of humor and a dynamic duo in Lomax and Biggs. Karp shows a master’s touch in his debut.” —DAVID BALDACCI on THE RABBIT FACTORY
“Read this book and you’ll be grinning the whole way through. Marshall Karp knows how to keep a story running full speed, full time. This one’s a blast.” —MICHAEL CONNELLY on FLIPPING OUT
“Irrepressible and often poignant...Like the best of Donald Westlake and Carl Hiaasen, The Rabbit Factory is deftly plotted and deliciously askew.” —BOOKLIST (STARRED REVIEW)
“Probably the hottest crime caper this year. Lomax and Biggs are fun, fun, fun, page after page, and... the tension never flags for an instant.” —BOOK OF THE MONTH, GATEWAYMONTHLY.COM (UK), on THE RABBIT FACTORY
“You’re going to love meeting Mike Lomax and Terry Biggs, a pair of hip homicide detectives with the LAPD; unless, of course, you’re the perp. Smart, funny and intuitive, Lomax and Biggs glide through the overlit shoals of Los Angeles like sharks through ginger ale. As up to the minute as they are intensely observant, the guys, this time, prowl the golden muck of the LA real estate bubble to fine effect; an exhilarating read.” —DONALD WESTLAKE on FLIPPING OUT
“This outstanding fourth chapter in the canon of Detectives Lomax and Biggs provides further proof of the indisputable: Marshall Karp writes the funniest dialogue in the detective genre. If you have not yet read the Lomax and Biggs books, you simply must start.” —LOUISVILLE COURIER-JOURNAL on CUT, PASTE, KILL
“Marshall Karp could well be the Carl Hiaasen of Los Angeles—only I think he’s even funnier. The Rabbit Factory will touch your funny bone, and your heart.” —JAMES PATTERSON
“Brings to mind Robert B. Parker, Janet Evanovich, Dean Koontz, Stuart Woods, and a lot of other fast-paced authors.” —JANET MASLIN, NEW YORK TIMES BOOK REVIEW, ON THE RABBIT FACTORY
“Better than mostly anything on the market...The Rabbit Factory is, quite simply, stunning... Worth every single second it takes to fly through... 632 pages of unadulterated magic.” —CHRIS HIGH, TANGLED WEB AND SHOTS MAGAZINE (UK)
“This is a nigh-on flawless first novel—I thoroughly enjoyed both the story and the writing style of the author and I implore you to simply read it!” —DEBUT BOOK OF THE MONTH, CRIMESQUAD.COM (UK), on THE RABBIT FACTORY
“Just the right blend of belly laughs and suspense... Karp’s second offering is every bit as funny and fast-paced as The Rabbit Factory.” —BOOKLIST (STARRED REVIEW) on BLOODTHIRSTY
“Wickedly funny...this quirky, off-kilter novel also has a really big heart...[and] an emotional core that will make readers care about these tough but vulnerable crime fighters and keep them hoping for a sequel.” —BOOKREPORTER.COM on THE RABBIT FACTORY
“Blending the gritty realism of a Joseph Wambaugh police procedural with the sardonic humor of Janet Evanovich, Karp delivers a treat that’s not only laugh-out-loud funny but also remarkably suspenseful.” —PUBLISHERS WEEKLY on FLIPPING OUT
“The Rabbit Factory was a joy to read... [It] has been compared to the work of Carl Hiaasen, but I’m happy to say it’s much better.” —THEBOOKBAG.CO.UK
“The frenetic plotting and outrageous characterisation are in [Carl Hiassen]’s line... but the anti-establishment humour is reminiscent of another darkly humorous novelist, Joseph Heller.” —PUBLISHING NEWS (UK) on THE RABBIT FACTORY
“I strongly suspect that Marshall Karp is the secret love child of Raymond Chandler and the Marx Brothers, with some Dorothy Parker around the edges. Karp should be considered a national treasure.” —CORNELIA READ, EDGAR NOMINEE FOR BEST FIRST NOVEL, on BLOODTHIRSTY
“Unplug the phone, pull up your favorite chair, and settle in for the best mystery novel this year. This strong debut is an often hilarious head-scratcher, and features a smartly drawn cast of characters...A page-turner.” —SCOTT COFFMAN, LOUISVILLE COURIER-JOURNAL, ON THE RABBIT FACTORY
“Karp craftily engineers a statement on ethical values, both institutional and personal.” —KIRKUS REVIEWS on THE RABBIT FACTORY
“Marshall Karp needs a blurb from me like Uma needs a facelift. This guy is the real deal, and Bloodthirsty is a first class, fast, funny, and fabulous read by a terrific writer. Great entertainment, highly recommended to one and all.” —JOHN LESCROART, NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR
“Laugh-out-loud funny, realistically portrayed, break-neck-paced, and powered by literally hundreds of hilarious one-liners...Karp has hit the jackpot with Lomax and Biggs. The most endearing and wildly entertaining protagonists to grace the pages of a mystery novel in years.” —PAUL GOAT ALLEN on BLOODTHIRSTY
“With this fifth long-awaited book in the Lomax and Biggs series, we see Marshall Karp return in full force with his poignant trademark humour that never seems to leave the room, even under the direst of circumstances. — DAVID BEN EFRAIM, QUICK BOOK REVIEWS, on TERMINAL
“Blending edge of your seat mystery and laugh-out- loud humor in such a way that neither steps on the other’s toes is not easy, yet once again Karp proves himself a master of that delicate operation in Cut, Paste, Kill. So what are you waiting for? Buy, Read, Enjoy!” — ELIZABETH A. WHITE, EDITING BY ELIZABETH
“Marshall Karp is the Woody Allen of the murder mystery. He’s up there with Carl Hiaasen and Donald Westlake and Janet Evanovich—smart, fast-paced, clever, and really, really funny.” —JOSEPH FINDER, NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR, on BLOODTHIRSTY
“Nobody writes smart criminals and smarter cops better than Marshall Karp.” —NYPD DETECTIVE JOHN CORCORAN (RETIRED)
ALSO BY MARSHALL KARP
DANNY CORCORAN AND THE BALTIC AVENUE GROUP
Snowstorm In August
THE LOMAX AND BIGGS MYSTERIES
Terminal
Cut, Paste, Kill
Flipping Out
Bloodthirsty
The Rabbit Factory
THE NYPD RED SERIES
NYPD Red 7: The Murder Sorority
Co-authored with James Patterson
NYPD Red 6
Red Alert (aka NYPD Red 5)
NYPD Red 4
NYPD Red 3
NYPD Red 2
NYPD Red
STANDALONE
Kill Me If You Can
For details and sample chapters, please visit www.KarpKills.com
CONTENTS
TITLE PAGE
COPYRIGHT
PRAISE FOR THE #1 BESTSELLING NYPD RED SERIES COAUTHORED BY MARSHALL KARP AND JAMES PATTERSON
PRAISE FOR MARSHALL KARP’S SNOWSTORM IN AUGUST
PRAISE FOR MARSHALL KARP’S LOMAX AND BIGGS MYSTERIES
ALSO BY MARSHALL KARP
DEDICATION
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
CHAPTER 5
CHAPTER 6
CHAPTER 7
CHAPTER 8
CHAPTER 9
CHAPTER 10
CHAPTER 11
CHAPTER 12
CHAPTER 13
CHAPTER 14
CHAPTER 15
CHAPTER 16
CHAPTER 17
CHAPTER 18
CHAPTER 19
CHAPTER 20
CHAPTER 21
CHAPTER 22
CHAPTER 23
CHAPTER 24
CHAPTER 25
CHAPTER 26
CHAPTER 27
CHAPTER 28
CHAPTER 29
CHAPTER 30
CHAPTER 31
CHAPTER 32
CHAPTER 33
CHAPTER 34
CHAPTER 35
CHAPTER 36
CHAPTER 37
CHAPTER 38
CHAPTER 39
CHAPTER 40
CHAPTER 41
CHAPTER 42
CHAPTER 43
CHAPTER 44
CHAPTER 45
CHAPTER 46
CHAPTER 47
CHAPTER 48
CHAPTER 49
CHAPTER 50
CHAPTER 51
CHAPTER 52
CHAPTER 53
CHAPTER 54
CHAPTER 55
CHAPTER 56
CHAPTER 57
CHAPTER 58
CHAPTER 59
CHAPTER 60
CHAPTER 61
CHAPTER 62
CHAPTER 63
CHAPTER 64
CHAPTER 65
CHAPTER 66
CHAPTER 67
CHAPTER 68
CHAPTER 69
CHAPTER 70
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
A MESSAGE FROM MARSHALL
PREVIEW OF TERMINAL PROLOGUE: AMATEUR HOUR ONE
TWO
PART ONE: DIAGNOSIS CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
CHAPTER 5
In memory of
Uncle Icky,
Staff Sergeant Irving Ziffer,
an American hero
and
Jett,
my shadow, my friend
CHAPTER 1
She scraped the salmon croquettes from her dinner plate into the cats’ bowl.
Dizzy, the overweight tiger-striped tabby, took one ladylike nibble of the reheated, three-day-old fish, and walked off. Wayne, the black-and-white longhair, was curled up nose to tail in his favorite spot on the window seat. He didn’t even pretend to be interested.
“At least try it,” she said. “It’s got omega-3. It’s good for you.”
Wayne yawned, the cat equivalent of giving her the finger.
“I know,” she said. “If it’s so damn healthy, how come I didn’t eat it?”
She poured herself a cup of chai, stirred in five packets of Equal, added a splash of nonfat milk, and took a satisfying sip. Coffee gave her the jitters—definitely a handicap when you’ve got a pair of razor-sharp scissors in your hand. But the black tea had just enough caffeine to give her the kick she needed to work on her scrapbooks long into the night.
She opened a kitchen cabinet and pulled out a three-quart Tupperware storage bowl. Wayne bolted up.
“I figured this would get your testosterone going,” she said, laughing.
The lid was opaque, but the kiwi-colored bowl was transparent enough to see what was inside.
Ping-Pong balls.
Three weeks ago there were twenty. Each one carefully numbered with a fine-point Sharpie.
Numbers six and fifteen had already been pulled.
That left eighteen Ping-Pong balls. Eighteen possible victims.
She swirled the bowl around, and four cat ears went on point as the balls skittered softly against the sides.
“Lotto time,” she announced, as if the two smartest cats in Los Angeles needed any further explanation.
Then she shook the bowl vigorously. The little white celluloid spheres ricocheted against the polycarbonate container like a rattlesnake attacking a roll of bubble wrap.
Dizzy and Wayne were at her feet, swiping at her skirt, yowling for her to make her next move.
“Not so catatonic anymore, are we?” she said, trotting out the same old joke the kitties never seemed to get tired of hearing.
She pried off the top of the Tupperware and flung the contents against the kitchen wall.
The cats went batshit.
Dizzy waddled under the kitchen table in hot pursuit of a trio of balls. Wayne headed the other way, pounced on number 14, and sent it scooting under the stove.
Lotto night was traditionally a fish night, and since she had tossed the salmon, she decided to treat herself to some dessert. Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream. She took a pint from the freezer and put it in the microwave for thirty seconds to get it nice and soft.
As soon as the timer dinged, she grabbed a spoon and began digging into the carton of creamy chocolate that was laced with caramel swirls, gooey marshmallows, and …little fudge fish.
She sat down at the table, just as both cats, chasing the same ball, collided head-on.
It was a total hoot, and she only wished she could tape it and post it on YouTube. Look everybody…here are my two cats helping me pick a murder victim. I call it Feline Felons.
It took three minutes before Wayne nosed one ball into a corner and sank his teeth into it.
“We have a winner,” she called out to the invisible crowd.
Wayne knew the drill. He hopped up on her lap, unclenched his teeth, and loudly demanded his reward.
“Number eleven,” she said, examining the ball.
She lifted the cat from her lap, went back to the cabinet, and removed a Ziploc bag filled with leaves and stems.
“Game, set, match,” she said to Dizzy, who was still too busy chasing Ping-Pong balls to know that the contest was over. “Nepeta cataria for everyone.”
She opened the bag, grabbed a small fistful of catnip, and sprinkled it on the kitchen floor. Both cats dove in.
She put on a clean pair of white cotton gloves, went to the bedroom, opened her closet, and twisted the dial on the four-hundred-and-seventy-pound AMSEC safe that protected her precious scrapbooks from fire, water, and nosy Parkers.
Each scrapbook was sealed in its own numbered manila envelope. She felt giddy as she removed number eleven from the safe’s plush velour interior. Although she had crafted every page of every scrapbook to perfection, she didn’t know which book was in which envelope.
That was the whole idea. Random selection. Each scrapbook went into an identical envelope, then the envelopes were shuffled and numbered.
Dizzy and Wayne chose the winner.
Or in this case, the loser.
She closed the four-inch-thick steel door, yanked the handle and listened as the dead bar clanked into the belly of the safe. She twirled the chrome-plated dial and carried the Lotto-winning envelope to the kitchen.
Sitting down at the table, she scraped up the dregs of the ice cream and sucked the spoon dry. “Would you like to see who you picked?” she asked.
But Dizzy and Wayne were too busy licking themselves, licking each other, and rolling around in the intoxicating weed.
She laughed as she tore open the manila envelope. “Stoners,” she said.
CHAPTER 2
“So, Mike, how’s it going?” my father asked, tears streaming down his face. Granted, he was chopping onions, but still, there’s something unnerving about watching a grown man cry.
And Big Jim Lomax is a man full grown. Six-foot-four, which is easy enough to verify, and three hundred pounds, which isn’t. He’s been claiming that same perfect bowling score weight since the Clinton administration, but I’m betting his scale simply ran out of numbers.
